by Laura Schupp

Two things happened over the past few days: 1) I thought we were under an alien attack; and 2) I learned that although my husband and I both speak English, we don’t always communicate well. Yep, pretty much an ordinary week in the Schupp household!

One afternoon it was pleasantly quiet in the house. I’d finished at the gym and done all my chores for the moment. I was getting some reading done and just enjoying some downtime while Rick was downstairs using the treadmill.

Dear Reader, do you know how regular household sounds are just background noise, but an unusual noise gets your attention? Well, I heard something unusual.

And yes, I sat up and took notice. It was outside the front of the house, and sounded for all the world like an alien death ray. What in the world? It quit, though, after one blast, and the house was quiet again. But now, it was more of an eerie silence.

I had two immediate thoughts. 1) We were, indeed, being attacked by aliens – in which case I didn’t really want to open the front door and be blown away; or 2) maybe a child was playing outside with a raygun toy. I listened intently for awhile, but everything was quiet again.

Ok, whatever. Potential crisis averted! I went back to my book.

Except…about 30 minutes later I heard the alien death ray sound again. Dang it! I just hate it when an invasion of Earth interrupts my reading time.

I pushed the (unhappy and protesting) cat off my lap and went to look out the front window. We live on a cul-de-sac and I saw absolutely no one around.

If aliens were there, they were using their cloaking device. I waited 10 minutes, but all was quiet. I was mystified.

I heard the noise another time or two, but chalked it up to some neighbor doing something and I didn’t worry much about it again.

It was never a really annoying sound, since it only went off once each time.

It was just weird because I didn’t know what the cause was. But knowing that aliens probably weren’t the source made me feel ok. The evening passed by quietly and according to our usual routine. I forgot all about it and went to bed.

Except…well, you all know I’m an early riser. The following morning I was sipping my tea, both cats on my lap (yes it’s crowded but neither one will give up momma-time), husband still in bed, dawn just barely breaking. And can you believe it – that #@$% noise goes off AGAIN! It’s 6am, for Christsake! But I couldn’t think of what to do about it. After a while Rick woke up and came in to have some coffee. I told him about the mysterious noise.

He mumbled something incoherent and sat down to read the paper. I could tell I was on my own regarding the mystery.

So basically, this went on for a couple of days. I was both mystified and beside myself. More than once I almost texted a neighbor, but I was afraid I would sound crazy (“I hate to bother you, but have you seen any little green men around?”). I did mention it to Rick several times, but he claimed to never hear the noise so he was noncommittal. Heck, maybe I WAS going crazy!

Then, FINALLY, all was revealed. We were in the same room; Rick was fiddling with his phone and complaining under his breath. I inquired…he said some birds kept wanting to build a nest on our front porch, and he didn’t want to have to clean up the ensuing mess if they were successful. So he was trying to scare them away. I asked how he was scaring them…since I’d not seen him out on the porch with a broom or waving his arms or anything similar. And HE says…”Well, our RING has an alarm feature on it, to help scare away an intruder, so I’ve been playing that whenever the RING sends me an alert that one of the birds is out there.”

Upon which a gigantic light bulb went off over my head. I replied, “Dear, does this alarm happen to sound like an alien death ray?”

And Rick said, “I don’t really know. Well, maybe.

Yeah, I guess you could say that. Why do you ask?”

My fellow married people probably understand that I took a deep breath and counted to 10, so I wouldn’t say the first one or two (or a hundred) things that popped into my head. “Well, did it ever occur to you that YOU might be the cause of the weird noise I’ve been hearing and telling you about?

For several days now?”

I finally saw the lightbulb come on over my husband’s head. And as we talked, finally all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. He sounded the alarm before he ever got out of bed each morning (when I thought he was still sleeping). Because birds get up early this time of year. He paid special attention to the RING when he was downstairs on the treadmill, or otherwise alone. When we were together, he didn’t bother with it. Consequently the death ray never went off when we were in the same room together so I could say “There’s that noise!” and he could (in theory) respond “Oh, that’s me!”

And so, my Dear Readers, that’s how I learned that my husband and I do not always communicate well. Thank goodness I never texted the neighbors!

I can just see their response: “Well, you dummy, that noise is coming from your house! And by the way, could you please stop it?”

But hey, at least we aren’t under an alien attack.

Laura lives in Zion Crossroads with her husband and two cats. She can be reached at hallielaura@
gmail.com.